Let me back up a bit now. Prior to
becoming engaged to be married, many things should be discussed, and one of the
most important is the raising of children. My manner of discussion on this
subject was different than the normal: “hey do you want kids”, “sure, I love
kids” or “hell no, what are you thinkin’”. Whatever the conversation
encompasses in its progression for each couple is different, but they can have
similar outcomes. Perhaps the progression of ours is not traditional, but it
still has one goal in sight.
Let me back up much farther to add reason. I have been married once before, and it has been 5 years since my divorce (4 really but the whole 1st year that we were separated I include because we were really not together at all). I have two children from this first marriage: a 20 year old son, and 17 year old daughter. Both great kids!
After
my daughter was born we learned what colic could do to a person’s sanity, not to
mention the fact that my daughter almost died when she was 5 months old due to
respiratory problems. My son had learning problems and was behind in his
development (speech, walking, talking, and learning) for most of his younger
years. These problems mixed with our youthful inexperience formed the opinion
that our genetic makeups did not mesh well together. I had a vasectomy
performed in 1995 thinking that this was it for me, but I wish they would not
let a person do this so easily, because I was very immature back then. Anyway
that story is for another blog (perhaps).
It is now 2005 sometime in March or April;
I am having the discussion of children with my best friend and soon to be wife.
The mutual decision formed during the conversation is to save for a vasectomy
reversal and then start trying to have children. This sounds simple enough
except for the $10,000 price tag and no guarantee that it will be successful. This is especially true when it has been 10 years since the vasectomy. Our talk includes adoption and
foster-to-adopt as well. We talk about wanting to foster in the future even if
we are able to have our own children.
Three years later, we have the money for
the operation, and it is performed by one of the most highly recommended
surgeons in the country. It is 2008, and the operation is a success. I have
enough sperm to naturally conceive with my wife. The numbers are by no means
off the charts but definitely hopeful.
Two years after the surgery, pumped full
of fertility medication, and tired of blowing money fertility treatments we are diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Thank you for that
bit of useless information. Sad, extremely! Set back financially, greatly! The
worst part of it all, though I can only imagine, is the emptiness my wife feels
from not carrying a baby inside her womb. She is of strong mind though, one of
the many reasons I love her, and moves onward retaining the emptiness that will
remain deep inside this woman throughout her entire life.
It is now time for “Plan B” of which we are
both fully on board. In Arizona there is a 10 week class that potential foster
parents have to graduate to be considered for a license. This course is known
as PS MAPPS (Partnering for Safety and Permanence Model Approach
to Partnerships in Parenting). Mid October in 2010 we begin the
course and graduate in early December. We are hyped and ready to be licensed to
start our journey through the realm of fostering children. All throughout the
course we are praised for the good work we are accomplishing and told that we
are going to make great foster parents. Separate accomplishments required are:
CPR, First Aid, Level 1 fingerprint clearance, complete medical physicals, a state-run inspection of our home, interviews with friends/family to glean character information, financial records, etc. Not to mention the amount of money spent on extra security measures needed for our home (special smoke/carbon monoxide detectors, slip resistant tub mats, fire extinguishers, etc.) We have fulfilled all
of these standards at this time.
During our second to last class, on one of
the breaks, my wife and I choose to go outside where there is another couple
from our class. We begin to talk with them about the future and one of them
mentions that they hope they get licensed or they will not be able to afford
the place they just rented (The state requires that anyone doing foster care is able to pay their living expenses entirely on their own). After this conversation my wife and I look at each
other and she asks me, “Did you hear what they said?”
“Of course I heard it,” I tell her and she
already knows this by the way we are looking at each other. This is distressing to both of us, and my wife is a
woman of strong conviction. Where I may let something like this slide, thinking
it is not my business, she will not, so we discuss it and decide that she will
let the agency know. The night of our last class she speaks with our
instructor. This individual thanks my wife for letting her know and reiterates
the importance of providing foster care for the right reasons. My wife feels much
better inside. Whether something is done or not, now it is off of her conscience.
We
receive our graduation certificates at the end of the night. We are told again that we are
going to be wonderful foster parents and are thanked for our inspired
participation in the course.
The very next day, my wife receives a call from our "licensing worker" stating that they (the licensing agency) will not be recommending us for a license with the state of Arizona.
Silence….
My wife is speechless. The woman gives her an empty apology, then tries to end the call. My wife asks her "Why?" to which she replies, "We always have meetings after training ends and discuss each family. It was our collective opinion that foster care would be too traumatic for you and your husband being you have suffered infertility in the past."
I am at work. She calls me crying and I cannot believe what I am hearing as I assume the same demeanor that she had when she received the news.
I am at work. She calls me crying and I cannot believe what I am hearing as I assume the same demeanor that she had when she received the news.
Silence….
then I speak, “what is their reasoning for this decision?”
My
wife replies, “Their reason was that we had suffered from infertility
and that they thought it would be too "traumatic" for us to have a child
in our home and lose them back to their family.”
I
tell her, “I am sorry” in my confusion while trying to understand what I have
just been told.
Her
strength returns and she says, “I am going to call them back and find out what we can do from here and try to speak with a supervisor.”
Augh,
the woman I love. Go get ‘em babe!!
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